Stars

As I held your tiny body up against the rush of the shower to release the sparkles of soap from your fine baby hair all I could think is that I have continued down the path. 35, mother of two, now single, still lost. Your smile and your embrace reminds me that I need to keep going. I promised you a family as soon as you emerged from my womb. I promised you peace. I promised you more than I had. I can't promise you everything. Hearing your screams tonight as you just wanted that stupid toy that I could not afford. There is so much you two will want for, I can't promise you that. I can't promise you all the things I thought I would be able to. I can promise I will love you. I will listen. I will guide you down this fucked thing we call life. Mommy is not ok and I want you to know that is ok to not be ok. It is ok to struggle and it is ok to not know what tomorrow will bring. These are the moments we find ourselves as cliché  as that is. I wanted more for you, but? Really, why? Who has that life...?

As the glow of the lightening bugs swirl I hold on to the moment. We will never be who we are before it is too late realize that we were the person we wanted be. It is banal to think you are special, but is truth to think you make meaning in your own life. That is what I am doing. Finding my way finding peace in my, not just mine, but our existence.

I am holding on and letting go. Finding solitude in the silence and peace within the chaos. Listening to those words unspoken.

I wrote a poem when I 11. Not really knowing the meaning. I even had it published.

As I see me standing, I think of the day all of this will go away...
Day after day I stand and think,
Soon it all changes,
I am lost,
I don't know where I am.

No, I was not some great poet at 11, but it does hold meaning to me now. It was and always will be about being in the moment. I could live in the, 'what ifs?' and even dwell in the past. Once again cliche, but fuck it...it is in the now that matters.

So to you my daughters....
You might be angry, sad, scared, and confused. Mommy and Daddy are no more as husband and wife, but we are still here. Change. We grow. Not always in ways in-which we wished for or longed for. To think of the future is to forget about what you have.

To quote one of my favorites:

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” 
― Anais Nin

We are made up of so much more than you and and even I know. I will be there for you both until you let me go and grow. I will be your foundation even if it becomes a little unstable at times, because we all become jello. You both are my loves forever. 

Forever we are stars. 

Love. Mom